Tefillas HaShaloh (my way)

It's considered a segulah to say a prayer for our children on the day before Rosh Chodesh Sivan (http://tefilashashla.blogspot.com/). This prayer was composed by the Shaloh HaKodesh. It's a prayer for them to be good Jews. To desire to serve Hashem. To be kind and good people. To study Torah. All good things. But today it struck me. It was very specific to male offspring.
Why doesn't it mention the girls? They are more important for Jewish continuity than the boys. Today I decided that I'm making up a tefillah for my daughters.
I beg from Hashem that our daughters should be strong women like Sara, Rivka, Rochel, Leah, Yocheved, Miriam, Devorah, Chana and Rus who made the hard decisions when it would have been easier not to. 
Like the women in Russia or Morocco (paradigmatic Ashkenaz and Sfard), who knew how to buck the system and stay true to Torah despite the pull of secular freedoms. 
Who were able to support their husbands and sons in stifling poverty to be lomdei Torah, gomlei chassadim and yorei shamayim when it was easier to fear the government and its representatives. 
Who kept store, washed laundry, gathered sticks and ran businesses with babies on their backs. 
Who worked endless hours to feed their families and visiting Yeshiva students and still manage to pull a few moments together for their own personal prayers. 
For the women's tears that must fill many buckets in shamayim in hope to be counted among those are are called 'Ashrei Yoladeta/o'. 
Who turn out to be women the next generation can look to for role models and good advice.
Yep. That's the tefillah for me.
Yehiyu leratzon imrei fi vehegyon libi lefanecha.
Stand back in case of lightning strikes.

Peanut Butter Pizza

About 10 years ago, on a long drive home, with 7 kids in the car, my kids and I wrote a ditty (actually, two). The ride had been very stressful and was descending into outright negativity. Someone had to go to the bathroom and no one wanted to stop the car, the kids were fighting with each other and yes, calling each other names, ...
I came up with the idea of asking them the most ridiculous food combinations they could think of. Everyone really got into it. Then we started composing together.

"I like peanut butter pizza, chocolate covered meatballs,
chili flavored cereal, when topped with eggplant milk.
I like cheese puffs dipped in saur kraut, and green bean ice cream, too.
But there's one thing that I don't like...
And that one thing is YOU!"

The kids really loved the ironic tone of the song. To this day, when things are descending into negativity I will start singing this ditty. And they all join in, lustily.

Strength

When replacing a broken window today we all learned an invaluable lesson. An object is only as strong as its weakest point.

When cutting glass to fit into the window our glass repair guy used a specialized scoring device. It doesn't cut the glass, it only creates a weak point. When he applied pressure to that weak spot, in this case the scored line, the glass broke perfectly along that line.

What a great sport, he allowed each of the children to score and break some glass.

However, when we applied pressure on the wrong side of the scored glass it didn't break. He pointed out that in film the bad guy always scores the outside glass of some window and then knocks the window in by pushing on that spot. That won't work! You have to push against the opposite of the scored side in order to break the glass.

The BC - I'm still looking for the life lesson.

Homeschooling

So, I just discovered that my father was a natural 'un-schooler.' Yes, he was. And those things that I remember best and most were the things I learned while I was unknowingly un-schooled.

There are different techniques of homeschooling. We homeschool through a charter school. That means that we use an assigned curriculum and follow a set of standards. We keep up a learning schedule and do standardized testing. We turn in work to a school entity. There is a bit of pressure at the end of the month, but there are financial benefits in the form of funds for extracurricular activities.

Filing a PSA (in California) means that one becomes licensed as a Private School. There is usually a five student limit, so this is really for individual families. With a PSA one has more freedom with choosing curriculum and setting a learning pace. The parent needs to keep a record of what they have learned and should follow the California Standards for each grade level. One can choose a religion based curriculum have set times for study or not, homeschooling or un-schooling.

My understanding of un-schooling is this - the learning is child led, but the parents provide an enriched learning environment - okay, what does that mean?
There are no specific lesson schdules. When a child gets interested in planets, the parents follow through with coloring pages, books to read, museums to go to...when a child wants to learn about where food goes, out come the biological systems diagrams...

The providing enriched environment is the part that my dad was a natural at. He, one day, brought home stethoscopes, sphygnomometers, otoscopes and let us explore. Another day, Chinese language records and we would study Chinese for a month. I remember the mountain climbing fascination we had. Ropes, carabiners, pulleys - and we found these huge rocks to climb. This was well before the rock climbing craze. He brought home thermometers of all different types, giant magnets of all different shapes, fencing equipment - epees, foils, face masks. We loved exploring the science museums and natural history museums. Planetariums were another favorite and of course we had telescopes of varying powers. And books! Books on every imaginable subject - etymology, entomology, bats and radar. My bothers and I equally learned to knit and how to use power tools. We stripped wood floors and waxed them. (Ok, my mom did that and painted the furniture and wallpapered...)

Deciding on what method to homeschool our own children didn't come easily. This year was our first official year as homeschoolers. We followed standard California curriculums for the most part. And it was not easy. I wasn't ready. I didn't have already prepared 'kosher' lesson plans for Ancient History. About halfway through the year it started clicking for me. I feel more confident for next year. We will continue combining homeschooling and un-schooling. I like making up my own units of study in my own order and found that we covered all of the CA State Standards and more.

While some learning is incidental, and some learning is accidental, in our home "We learn on purpose. " (Thank you Susie N. for that gem.)

Thoughts on Dying

Someone dear to me is dying.

I have experienced the death of a loved one.
I have 'attended' deaths. But I have never experienced that process, that long drawn out process that is dying. That -ing is the difficult part.

I am not able to visit. I don't see the day to day toll that this is taking on her and her family. I can only emote and share my thoughts.

Over this year I have found that my feelings have run the gamut from guilt to anger and back again. I have watched our friends and family react. To detach, I find myself analyzing my own emotional response and the responses of others. How should I react as a human being, as a Jew, and as a chosid?

There are five stages of emotional response to death and dying.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

The first basic response is denial. Typically that would be - no, this is not happening. Ignore the reality and it simply will cease to exist. In Chassidic philosophy that would be 'tracht gut, vet zein gut' - if you think good, it will be good. Chassidim take a proactive approach to denial. I will replace the 'bad' thoughts with good ones and have those good thoughts bring me to good actions.

Then we come to anger - anger at the Drs who missed this, anger at Gd for letting this happen. She doesn't deserve this. She is a good person. Anger makes us shove back. Anger makes us scream and cry. But the Tanya (Ch. 1) teaches us that anger is like fire which reaches upwards. It is self important. It feeds on and devours itself. This is the stage when I must let go of my will. To bend myself to the will of Gd. To say, "This isn't about me."

So we bargain. We double think. If I do more good and bend to Gd's will THEN Hashem will make this better. And guilt, maybe this is my fault. If we had only noticed sooner. If, if... And as a chosid I know that everything is in the hands of Heaven. I cannot yet say that this is for the good. I am not on that level spiritually, but I know that Hashem is intimately involved. That everything is Hashgocho Protis (Divine Providence.)

And as dy-ing creeps forward. As the daily loss of a loved one accumulates, death looms inevitable. There is nothing I can do. I lose faith. I lose hope. I lose desire to continue. It can't get much worse. Yet, I know that it will. What is the point of going on? What is the point of anything at all? Tears stream down my face at random times.

But a chosid may not stay in a state of sadness. We learn from Yaakov preparing to meet Eisav to hope for the best, but plan for the worst (Gen. 32, 33.) Yaakov prayed. Yaakov sent gifts. Yaakov divided his camp. And then Yaakov went to meet Eisav with a hug and a kiss. Yet, he wrestled with angels too. We are all davening for you, we have increased in the doing of mitzvos personally and communally. We call you to chat. We think of you and your family and we each show our support in our own way.

For now, I have reached the stage of acceptance. But I know the cycle will start all over again, soon.

Sometimes the bitter comfort is in acknowledging that the desire to have one last visit is motivated by selfishness.
We NEED Moshiach NOW!

The C-Myth

I was standing in line in a Postal Annex with my brother, when in walked a bearded man. Seeing my brother's kippah (and beard and tzitzit...) he reached into his rear pocket and whipped out a kippah of his own.
"Hi, I am Rabbi Cohen, who are you?" he asked us.
My brother answered, "I am Abraham and this is my sister Rebbetzin E."
To my surprised Rabbi Cohen came back quickly with "No you're not! I met Rabbi E's wife and it was not you."
"Where did you meet her?" I asked. "At the funeral this weekend?"
"Yes."
"Tall, blonde...?"
"Yes." Again
"Ah." I answered, nodding. "That is the wife Rabbi E takes to public functions, I just stay home and have his kids."
...

I took mercy on him and explained that the woman he met was a congregant and that I really was Rebbetzin E. He eventually lifted his jaw off the floor.

So how is it that there is SO little understanding of what Chabad is and stands for, even by "Rabbis," that he would fall for this?

What about the local "Rabbi" who published his Rosh Hashana sermon, in which he called Chabad 'wolves in sheep's clothing' and advised his congregants not to donate to Chabad? He, by the way, went on to be the Rabbi of one of the largest congregations in America. More misunderstanding?

Chabad philosophy has a few basic tenets. Love of your Fellow Jew. Serving Gd with Joy. Controlling our Emotions through the use of our Intellect.

The Rebbe emphasized the concept of creating a dwelling place for God on this world or elevating the mundane and physical world through utilizing it in the service of Gd. The Rebbe also stressed that, at their essence, every human being has a core of Gdliness and that when we strive to identify with that we are uniting on a cellular (and 'soulular') level.

He sought to unite the modern world with the teachings of Judaism. And to unite the two most basic of his teachings. To that end, the Rebbe sent out Shluchim, emissaries, to the far reaches of the civilized and sometimes not-so civilized world.

The emissary's job is to bring Jews closer to Judaism by reaching out and connecting soulularly. By living as examples of the Rebbe's teachings. It is said 'Shliach adam ka'moso' - a person's proxy is like him. What a Shliach does he/she does with the kochos (strengths) of the Rebbe.

The whole purpose of a Chabad Rabbi is to connect to another human being* by accepting who they are essentially and bring them closer to Gd, giving them the tools to build that dwelling place for Gd within this physical, mundane world. A Shliach uses modern mediums to teach and reach out. Creating classes over the internet, Askmoses.com live chat, Power Point presentations in JLI courses and more.
[* the Rebbe also stressed the Noahide laws and that every human being is a child of Gd.]

Sometimes the bitter comfort is in knowing that if someone will get over their fear and walk in our doors they will find love, kindness and support.
May we usher in an Era of Peace for all Humanity.

How do you define yourself?

Many years ago I participated in a workshop for women. The program was called Lev l'Lev and the goal was to encourage Jewish women from all walks of life to focus on their similarities and not their differences.
This particular workshop was to see how many of us use the same words to define ourselves at our core.

Imagine concentric circles. At the center is you. Your essence. The central word that defines who you are.

In Judges (chapters 4 and 5) it speaks about a woman. She is the sitting Judge of the time. She leads the Jewish army out to war as their General. She is Devorah. A Prophetess.
When she sings shira to Hashem, in praise of the miracles He has performed, and she speaks of her own part in those miracles she sings her own praise. How does she praise herself? What of her own accommplishments does she mention?

She says "...until I Deborah arose; I arose as a mother in Israel." (Judges 5:7)

Not 'I, brilliant judge.' or 'I, conquering General.' not even 'I, to whom Gd speaks.' No. She defines herself as a MOTHER first. A mother in Israel.

I don't recall now what words my concentric circles were filled with, but I hope they resembled the way I would fill them in now.

[Chassidic Jew] Mother - > Student - > Wife - > Teacher - > Woman - > American

The Chassidic Jew part of me is central to all the other pieces of who I am. So I had to start there.

I am a mother in Israel. For this I am eternally grateful to Gd and indebted to my husband.

I am a student. Of everything. And because I teach I am always studying. I always have questions and I am always searching for answers. I don't always find them, but I am comfortable with the knowledge that I don't know everything.

I am a wife, before a woman. I would not be who I am as a woman without my husband.

I am a teacher and I am female. My gender is unimportant in my teaching. It does not come before or between me and my teaching.

I am woman hear me roar. Being a woman is very important to me and I thank Gd daily for making me 'in accordance to His will.'

And that last one may be a surprise, but I identify strongly with America and the moral and ethical basis upon which America was founded. I am a Daughter of the American Revolution and proud of it. 7 generations from the Magid of Mezerich and 7 generations from George Ross.
Go figure. I AM a Chassidic American.


Sometimes the bitter comfort is in knowing that the individual components in me battling for dominance can meld into that contradiction that is me.
Find who you are and be that person.