Thoughts on Dying

Someone dear to me is dying.

I have experienced the death of a loved one.
I have 'attended' deaths. But I have never experienced that process, that long drawn out process that is dying. That -ing is the difficult part.

I am not able to visit. I don't see the day to day toll that this is taking on her and her family. I can only emote and share my thoughts.

Over this year I have found that my feelings have run the gamut from guilt to anger and back again. I have watched our friends and family react. To detach, I find myself analyzing my own emotional response and the responses of others. How should I react as a human being, as a Jew, and as a chosid?

There are five stages of emotional response to death and dying.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

The first basic response is denial. Typically that would be - no, this is not happening. Ignore the reality and it simply will cease to exist. In Chassidic philosophy that would be 'tracht gut, vet zein gut' - if you think good, it will be good. Chassidim take a proactive approach to denial. I will replace the 'bad' thoughts with good ones and have those good thoughts bring me to good actions.

Then we come to anger - anger at the Drs who missed this, anger at Gd for letting this happen. She doesn't deserve this. She is a good person. Anger makes us shove back. Anger makes us scream and cry. But the Tanya (Ch. 1) teaches us that anger is like fire which reaches upwards. It is self important. It feeds on and devours itself. This is the stage when I must let go of my will. To bend myself to the will of Gd. To say, "This isn't about me."

So we bargain. We double think. If I do more good and bend to Gd's will THEN Hashem will make this better. And guilt, maybe this is my fault. If we had only noticed sooner. If, if... And as a chosid I know that everything is in the hands of Heaven. I cannot yet say that this is for the good. I am not on that level spiritually, but I know that Hashem is intimately involved. That everything is Hashgocho Protis (Divine Providence.)

And as dy-ing creeps forward. As the daily loss of a loved one accumulates, death looms inevitable. There is nothing I can do. I lose faith. I lose hope. I lose desire to continue. It can't get much worse. Yet, I know that it will. What is the point of going on? What is the point of anything at all? Tears stream down my face at random times.

But a chosid may not stay in a state of sadness. We learn from Yaakov preparing to meet Eisav to hope for the best, but plan for the worst (Gen. 32, 33.) Yaakov prayed. Yaakov sent gifts. Yaakov divided his camp. And then Yaakov went to meet Eisav with a hug and a kiss. Yet, he wrestled with angels too. We are all davening for you, we have increased in the doing of mitzvos personally and communally. We call you to chat. We think of you and your family and we each show our support in our own way.

For now, I have reached the stage of acceptance. But I know the cycle will start all over again, soon.

Sometimes the bitter comfort is in acknowledging that the desire to have one last visit is motivated by selfishness.
We NEED Moshiach NOW!